The Art of Making Your Head Hurt
by Da-Deranged-Dude
Summary: For one to achieve infinity, they must become something the human mind cannot grasp. And even if he has to sway between the lines of light and darkness, Naruto plans to get pretty damned close. SlightlyDark!Naruto. NaruHarem. Temporarily Discontinued


**Notes:** Oh look another story from Da-Deranged-Dude! But wait, didn't he promise to finish his other stories first? Why is he not updating them instead?

Well there is a good reason for that my ever-so-faithful readers. I have lost most of my inspiration for many of my stories. Great ideas pop up in my head from time to time, but then I realize they don't fit into the storyline until like twenty chapters after the current one. Then I happen to notice these ideas would fit in well with a totally _different_ story. It's a type of writer's block I think. So… yeah. Here's my tenth fanfiction: _**The Art of Making Your Head Hurt.**_

Also, this story is a bit AU-ish, with the Rookie Nine and Team Gai being three years older than in canon.

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**The Art of Making Your Head Hurt**

**Prologue: Infinity**

Thunder rolled through the skies, shaking the air with its mighty roar. Rain pelted the still rooftops and empty streets. The great shinobi village of Konohagakure no Sato was silent. A great calamity had occurred the day before. This event was as devastating as the Kyuubi's attack thirteen years before. A betrayer had returned, ready to exact vengeance upon his former home. The terrible snake struck with a speed not many could match. His army's forces broke through the great walls and penetrated deep into the village. Although the village's warriors held their ground and fought off the onslaught, many had died. Bodies still littered many of the streets. The raindrops mixed with their crimson blood as it splattered them.

Konoha's civilians were in their homes, mourning for their devastated village. There was no labor today. Many sat in the darkness of their abodes, trying in vain to rid their minds of the memories. Memories of death and chaos as they ran for their lives. As for the soldiers who still lived after the attack, the shinobi who defended their village so righteously, they were elsewhere.

On top of the regal Hokage tower, hundreds of black shrouded figures stood in formation, their heads bowed low. A casket surrounded with white flowers was displayed in front of them, several pictures on it. Every single one of those pictures featured a certain individual, one who had defended the village with his very life: the Sandaime Hokage, Sarutobi Hiruzen. The shinobi who served him faithfully stared at the wooden construction holding his body. Although they seemed to have to emotion, if one were to look closer they could see tears streaming down their cheeks, camouflaged by the rain.

However, there was one adolescent ninja who cried more fervently than all of his comrades. His saddened visage was a shocking contrast to his usually benign and cheerful attitude. He allowed the mask he had formed over several years, one made to hide his sadness and fury from the village that hates him, to fall. That one ninja was Uzumaki Naruto, and the death of his surrogate grandfather was the first event in his life that would drive him to a new goal, one that would exceed Hokage…

Infinity.

-

Naruto felt like crap. No; he felt like _shit_. First, he had been kicking ass in the final part of the Chuunin Exams when some bastard and his army attacked the village. Second, his precious Sakura-chan was almost killed by said bastard's 'secret weapon'. Third, said bastard _personally_ killed his grandfather figure. Now fourth, some random villagers, who probably desperately needed to get laid, attacked his apartment!

The place was a mess. His bed was upside-down, his closet was inside-out, and his refrigerator was shooting sparks out of the hole in its side. There were even various curses and crude pictures spray-painted on his walls. Naruto sighed as he picked up a rock that probably came in through the window. It had 'Demon' and 'Bastard' written on it. The young blonde stared at the words, his face emotionless.

Then he looked a particularly large picture of a hand waving, except it had only one finger raised. Naruto growled as he chucked the rock at it. The rock smashed through the plaster and drywall, effectively de-fingering the picture. His nose scrunched up as he smelled the scent of urine. It came from the clothes that spilled out of his closet.

'_Great. Someone peed on my clothes, too.'_ He thought. The loud boom of thunder shook Naruto out of his mental ramblings. It was still raining. Water dripped in from the large hole in his window.

"… Now what…"

Deciding to let his apartment rot, he strode off outside and walked somewhere, _anywhere_, in order to let out some pent-up stress.

-

Naruto, while walking to the training grounds, decided to take a shortcut through a shadowy alley. He kept his ninja senses alert in the dark environment, just in case there was some drunk that wanted to beat him up for 'being alive' or some other random reason. Apparently, his senses weren't good enough to catch the leg sticking out from behind a trashcan.

The blonde tripped with a yelp. Immediately, he jumped to his feet, assuming a basic taijutsu stance.

"Who's there!?" Naruto shouted.

"Hey, boy, keep it down. I was trying to sleep." A tired voice answered. Lightning flashed, illuminating the darkness. An old, dirty face was revealed. It had graying hair, kind green eyes and a thick curly beard. The man wore ragged clothing and was probably homeless.

"Oh, I'm sorry mister." Naruto apologized.

The old man waved his hand. "Nah its okay, little fellah. What's a kid like you doing wandering around in a dark alley like this?"

"I'm just trying to get to the training grounds." The blonde responded.

"So you're a ninja, eh?"

"Yep!" Naruto exclaimed. He jabbed a thumb towards his chest. "I'm gonna become Hokage, so I have to train a lot!"

The man scratched his thick beard. "Hokage, eh? That seems a bit unreal don't you think?"

"Nope!" Naruto shook his head. "Nothing is impossible for Uzumaki Naruto!"

Hearing his name, the old man's eyes widened for a fraction of a second. Then he smiled. "Nothing is impossible for you, you say. Well, then Naruto, how would you like making a bet?"

"It depends on what the bet is." Naruto said.

"Alright then." The man stood up. Naruto was shocked at his sheer height. He was easily a foot taller than the young blonde. The older of the two put his hand on the ninja's shoulder. "You goal is to become Hokage, correct?"

"Yes."

"Why is that?"

"In order to protect my precious people and get the acknowledgement I've always wanted."

"Now is that all you want?"

"Of course!"

"You don't even want to achieve something _beyond_ that, beyond even gods?"

"What can be beyond Hokage or gods?"

"Well that's a simple answer." The man stated with a twinkle in his eyes. "Infinity."

"Infinity?" Naruto echoed.

"Infinity." He restated.

"How in the world do I reach infinity!?" The confused, frustrated boy shouted, having a hard time grasping the conversation.

"The answer to that question, little fellah, is up to you." The old man smiled. He gave Naruto's shoulder a squeeze. Then he left the alley without another word, stepping out into the rain and disappearing from sight. The blonde could only stare, confused at what just happened. He sighed and rubbed his temples.

"My head hurts…"

-

Two figures that stood atop the Hokage Monument watched over the village through the heavy rainfall. Another joined the two and stared with them.

"So you talked with him." One of the two turned, revealing his brilliant golden-red eyes that had silver four-pointed stars for pupils.

"Yeah." The third that had joined them answered. His irises were lime-green and the whites were a rainbow-like mist. It was constantly changing colors.

"This will be interesting to watch." The second commented, his gray eyes narrowing from excitement. His two orbs were purely gray, several black rings that extended into the whites of the eyes surrounding a black pupil.

"Now we have another promising heir." The third said. "Hopefully, he doesn't gain a bias. He must stay completely neutral, or else the two Kingdoms will use him for their own good."

"He's a good choice, Oudou. The natural goodness in his heart will be matched by the rage he holds deep within himself." The first nodded. He held his hand out and an hourglass formed upon it. All the sand was almost at the bottom. "We have little time left. So, Kogane, which of the three gifts should we bestow upon him?"

"That depends, Hagane. We'll need to see if he will lean towards either of the two Kingdoms first. If he does, he won't be viable as an heir to the three gifts." The second man, Kogane, answered.

The third person, Oudou looked over the village. He scratched his gray beard and brushed pieces of dirt off of the rags he wore. "I just hope I don't have to pose as a hobo again."

"I felt bad when I wrecked his apartment, though." Kogane scowled slightly.

"Suck it up." Hogane sighed.

"Shut up, Hogane. You got the easy part. All you had to do was put a minor genjutsu on him that led him into that alley." Oudou snapped back. He also turned to Kogane. "And did you really have to pee in his closet!?"

"I felt it was appropriate!" Kogane said, blushing a bit from embarrassment. "Besides, I couldn't get to the bathroom in time."

The three men bickered with each other. Then lightning flashed and the trio disappeared without a trace.

-

Meanwhile, in a council meeting deep within the Hokage tower, an important discussion was taking place.

"Jiraiya, please become the Godaime Hokage!" Koharu pleaded to the Toad Sannin.

"I agree. You are the most obvious person applicable for the job." Said Koharu's former teammate, Homura.

Jiraiya sighed as the council bickered on who should be the next Hokage.

"I disagree." Yamanaka Inoichi argued. "I nominate Hatake Kakashi for the position of Hokage."

Said Jounin raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry Inoichi-san, but I'm _really_ not the type for the job."

"He's right." Inuzuka Tsume nodded. "I mean imagine a Hokage that's late for everything by more than three hours."

"Then who would _you_ pick?" The platinum blonde man inquired.

"Why Hyuuga Hiashi of course!" She shouted back.

The stoic Hyuuga blinked as he talked in an emotional voice. "That is preposterous. I should be one of the least applicable for the title of Hokage, Tsume-san."

The argument continued as such for quite a while. That is until a silent Aburame Shibi raised an arm. Everyone went silent at the thought of Shibi speaking; quite odd.

"If I may ask you Jiraiya-sama, why do you refuse the position of Hokage?" The clan leader asked.

"Well, I think it's quite obvious actually." He responded. "One; I'm a super-pervert. Two; I need to be able to move in and out of the village in order to maintain my highly-secretive spy network. And three; any paperwork given to me will probably end up as target practice for a **Gokakyuu no Jutsu**."

Shibi nodded, filing away the information. "Then who would _you_ suggest to become the Godaime Hokage?"

"Hm…" Jiraiya adopted a thoughtful look. Then he smiled. "Tsunade."

Immediately, the council was in an uproar, but the choice was crystal-clear on who was to be the fifth leader of the great village.

Koharu and Homura soon calmed the crowd and stood. They said in unison. "It's decided. The Godaime Hokage of Konohagakure no Sato shall be…"

-

"Uzumaki Naruto!" Sakura cried as she chased him around the bridge where Team Seven usually met.

This was the second month following the aftermath of Oto and Suna's attack on Konoha. The village was still recovering from the calamity and its shinobi were working overtime in order to restore its former power. Every single shinobi began to do as many mission as possible, trying to bring money in to help fix the damage done by Orochimaru's goons. The Rookie Nine and Team Gai had all been promoted to Chuunin, regardless of which stage of the exam they lost in. Their bravery and valor had been shown when they protected the spectators at the Chuunin Exam Stadium from the shock troops that personally guarded the Kage-disguised Orochimaru.

Since becoming Chuunin, Naruto was also told of his heritage on his father's side by Jiraiya and Tsunade. Surprisingly, he wasn't shocked at all and instead held a solemn look on his face. He understood his father's will to protect the village and the blonde's dream of becoming Hokage was renewed with vigor. However, when he asked of his mother, the two Sannin could not tell him anything. This upset him for quite a while.

Even more chaos occurred when Itachi and Kisame appeared in the village, searching for Naruto. Fortunately, the blonde was off on a mission with Jiraiya in order to search for the most likely candidate for Godaime Hokage, Tsunade the Slug Princess. Sasuke and several other Chuunin met the two near a stream and attacked. Most died or were severely injured.

The two S-class missin-nin were warded off by the timely arrival of most of Konoha's Elite Jounin, but the damage had been done. Sasuke suffered severe mental damage after a Tsukiyomi. No one knows what torture he endured, but his personality changed drastically. He became a warmer person and started to become closer to the Konoha Twelve. This change only served to bring him more fangirls, but the OOC-ness was something no one would even get used to.

Afterwards, a peeved Tsunade became Hokage, a klutzy Naruto accidentally groped Ayame while reaching for a bowl of ramen, and life in Konoha returned to near-normal.

"I'm sorry, Sakura-chan! I seriously tripped! I didn't mean to touch your ass on purpose!" Naruto whined as he hopped around like a bunny with a wolf after it.

"Yeah right, Naruto! I've had enough of your excuses! You probably put that rock there last night on purpose!" The pink-haired kunoichi roared.

Naruto sweat-dropped in spite of being in mortal danger. _'That didn't make any sense.'_

Nearby, Sasuke leaned on a tree, staring passively at his teammates' antics.

'_Hm… I wonder what Sakura would look like in a G-string.'_ He thought. A drop of blood inconspicuously fell from the raven-haired teen's nostril. It seems he still hasn't recovered from the Tsukiyomi. _'Hm… I wonder what _Naruto_ would look like in a G-string.'_

As Sasuke's nose bled like crazy, Sakura tackled the blonde and put him in a full nelson. Naruto, while groaning at the mixture of feeling his arms pulled off and the rubbing of Sakura's chest on his back, spotted Sasuke's lustful look in his direction.

"What the hell are you looking at, teme?" The blonde growled. The OOC Uchiha looked away with a grunt.

"Nothing." He said coolly. Nearby, a fangirl squealed from her position in a tree. Then she slipped and fell into a huge hole filled with vipers and lions. Her screams could be heard from miles.

Suddenly a burst of smoke appeared from the other side of the bridge. Kakashi appeared, in all his lazy, perverted glory.

"Sorry I'm late, but the author wanted me to go to Wal-Mart and get him a pack of gum." The Jounin explained. He was met the three blank stares from the teen Chuunin.

"Wow…" Naruto muttered.

"That was the most nonsensical, retarded excuse you've ever given Kakashi-sensei." Sakura added.

"I think I speak for all of us when I say, 'You need mental help'." Sasuke finished, in that sexy, slightly homosexual way he always speaks in.

"Anyways, we have a new mission!" The silver-haired man nodded. "B-rank!"

"Yatta!" Naruto cheered. Sakura smiled confidently and Sasuke smirked. They were ready to take on anything.

"Hopefully, this doesn't transition into an A-rank mission like last time." Kakashi joked. He seemed to have forgotten about one thing that exists in all fanfiction… dramatic irony.

-

**You can all flame me later. Review please!**


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